please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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