I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
