put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
