I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
