WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
