remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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