I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
