If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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