I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
