just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
