My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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