Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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