My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
