The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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