its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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