An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
