This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize