just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
