mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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