She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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