genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
as a side note pls kill me
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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