yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
