Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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