Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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