who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
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