I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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