The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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