Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
