My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
