Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
