How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
