Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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