Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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