things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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