Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
sarcasm needs its own font
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
And then he peed in my hair
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