like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
