3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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