i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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