i need an iv and a liver transplant
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
