My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
