I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
