i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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