i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize