and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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