Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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