I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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