Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
