There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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