If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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