y did u give ur computer a hand job?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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