I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
