so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize