I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
