but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just invented taco cereal.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
