there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
