I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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