If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Randomize
