Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
