Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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