If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Boobs speak an international language.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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