can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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