I accidentally had phone sex last night
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
