It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
