Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
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