I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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