what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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