Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
