Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
