so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
