So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
That's how pantless uber rides happen
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
