i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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